City of Austin cancels April Fool's Day

Austin no longer pities the fool

In an unexpected announcement, the City of Austin said it will no longer recognize April Fool's Day as an official city holiday and urges all residents to refrain from celebrating the occasion, mocking the city, or visiting comedy clubs that have a history of exposing the ignorance of local leadership.

Former Austin Mayor Steve Adler, in one of his final directives before leaving office in December, created the Federation for Austin's Reputation and Trustworthiness in order to study and empirically measure how seriously people are taking radical new changes in local policy.

The federation -- a blue-ribbon panel of the leaders of every social justice non-profit that receives city taxpayer funds -- met at the currently-empty Zilker Train station to brainstorm ways to increase Austin's standing among its peer-cities. In a 1,432-page memo, the commission urged all legal and document-challenged residents to refrain from any and all usages and references to "fools," "stooges," "nitwits," "boneheads," "oafs," and "dunderheads" until the new Mayor and Council can figure stuff out.

"The jokes about Austin pretty much write themselves, lately -- and that's a major public policy problem," said LaRon Terwillinger, spokes-pronoun for the new effort. "The city has made great strides to reclaim our Violet Crown as the Live Music Capital of the World and all that, so we need everyone on the positivity train here! The last thing we need is a mirror held up to our collective faces, which satire seems to do so well."

Terwillinger pointed out that the imagery of fools, well-meaning folks in clown outfits at Council meetings, and varied imprudent terminology may serve as triggers for those who suffer from inability to put simple thoughts together. Such fool-ophobic language must be stamped out from the public discourse, he added. It is no longer enough to resist the urge to ridicule the city, but to commit oneself to becoming actively opposed to ridicule until there is nothing left to ridicule one fine day.

The committee will host a reading of the New York Times Best-selling "Anti-April Fool's Baby" over at Book People this A̶p̶r̶i̶l̶ ̶F̶o̶o̶l̶'̶s̶ ̶D̶a̶y̶ Saturday. Everyone is invited except for those who like to make constant wisecracks about the following subjects:

An uptick in violent crime

Increased homelessness

Plans to bulldoze Dirty Martin's

Turning The Drag into basically The Domain 2.0

Digging a tunnel under Town Lake

Runaway taxes

General unaffordability

Parking meters at Zilker

The loss of iconic businesses 

The loss of iconic restaurants

Sky-high apartment rent

Condo towers with breathtaking views of other condo towers

Calling IH-35 a racist roadway

Selective enforcement of laws

Rainbow crosswalks

Closures of Austin ISD schools

Lingering mask and vaccine policies

Unionized lifeguards

Bendy buses

Toxic algae

Fecal matter in Bull Creek

CodeNext

Candlewood

Congressman Greg Casar

SXSW being no fun anymore

Police defunding/DPS being called in

3-1-1 as 9-1-1

Utility line undergrowth

Compost carts

"We're working on it, so please go easy on us this April 1," Terwillinger said, in a plea for clemency. "Even a well-placed practical joke could up-end everything we've been working toward these past three months."

April Fool's from your favorite knuckleheads at the Travis Tracker!